Forget BNP Paribas – Kaopectate is the real sponsor…

After a week at the BNP Peptobismol Open at Indian Wells, it appears the biggest winner so far is the stomach flu. Vania King lost more than an hour to Daylight Savings Time early Sunday – here’s her Tweet: “Just spent one of the worst nights of my life (gruesome details) fever, vomiting, diarrhea…all at the same time…caught a bug from someone.”

Honestly, the “puke or poop dilemma” is ALWAYS terrible. And sure, it’s revolting to discuss, but come on! We’ve all been there. It suddenly becomes painfully obvious that everything inside…wants out – immediately – and it’s unclear which direction it’d like to take.

My advice, based on personal experience: Park your hind-end on the cool porcelain and put a heavy duty trash can between your knees. Just don’t forget the trash can! There’s nothing worse than having to flip-over and heave-ho into a bowl full of ‘southern departure.’ No trash can? – Make the bath tub your target…if it’s close enough.


That said – Vania King and Gael Monfils bailed from the tournament Sunday to spend some quality time in their bathrooms. The virus has claimed three others and Bethanie Mattek-Sands who played through the urge to puke, and won her doubles match yesterday.

Here’s the deal – this isn’t food poisoning. It’s an airborne illness that’s affected all of Palm Springs and the Coachella Valley. The health department has actually issued a health warning. Awesome!

Todd Noonan is working the event – and hasn’t guest-blogged about Indian Wells yet because he hates discussing such vile subject matter. Here’s an email Captain Poopypants sent yesterday: “Oops. It’s all over the Cochella Valley. Our announcer had it, a Hawkeye guy in our booth, a sound guy, then Monfils, Vania Kinga, Jürgen Melzer, Bethanie and a bunch of other people.”

Thanks, Todd. I totally just farted when I copied and pasted your email…and it was a little moist. Ugh – this is embarrassing. I’m so tired of using Resolve on this chair.

So after week one, here are some highlights:

American Jamie Hampton took-out the #12 seed Jelena Jankovic in first round play, and continues to look strong in the tournament; Andy Murray’s out early; Christina McHale beat Petra Kvitova yesterday; Andy Roddick is still-in but has to play Tomas Berdych today; and Djokovic gets Kevin Anderson today, who is coming off a huge win in Delray Beach last weekend; Federer and Nadal continue in the mix as well, and could face each other in the semifinals.

What else is going in in tennis?

Michael Llodra was fined $2500 after his first round match at Indian Wells vs. Ernests Gulbis. The charge? – Verbally abusing a spectator. Nice! Llodra then withdrew from the tournament with a knee injury during his second round match vs. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Croatia’s Ivan Lubicic announced last week that he’ll retire in April after the Monte Carlo Masters, where his family lives. He turned pro in 1998, reach a career-high ranking of #3 in the World back in 2006 and owns 10 career titles.

Congrats to 3-time French Open Champ Gustavo Keurten, who was elected to the International Tennis Hall of Fame on Thursday. He’ll be enshrined on July 14th in Newport, Rhode Island.

Serena Williams agreed to play one World Team Tennis match before heading across the pond to the 2012 Summer Games in London. She’ll return to the Washington Kastles on July 22nd in D.C. against the Kansas City Explorers. Other marquee players in the league this year include Martina Hingis, Venus Williams, Lindsay Davenport, John Isner, Mark Philippoussis, John McEnroe and Mardy Fish. The season runs July 9th through the 28th, with the finals in Charleston, SC the weekend following the U.S. Open Final. The team rosters will come out tomorrow at

Hang-on to your lunch, tennis fans! There’s another full week of tennis at Indian Wells before we hand out titles and trophies…